Being Real

In the book “Stories of the Spirit” by Jack Kornfield and Christina Feldman, there is a story that hasn’t left me yet.  In it, I see myself, my children, and all of those who feel unheard or unseen.  I have read it over and over and continue to reflect upon its essence.  Maybe it will open your eyes to see or hear your children, your spouse, or any of the unseen in our society—

A family went out to a restaurant for dinner.  When the waitress arrived, the parents gave their orders.  Immediately, their five year old daughter piped up with her own:  “I’ll have  a hot dog, french fries and a coke.”

“Oh no you won’t,” interjected the dad, and turning to the waitress he said, “She’ll have meat loaf, mashed potatoes, milk.”  Looking at the child with a smile, the waitress said, “So, hon, what do you want on that hot dog?”

When she left, the family sat stunned and silent.  A few moments later the little girl, eyes shining, said, “She thinks I am real.”

How many times in a conversation do you feel real?  How many times to people REALLY listen to what you have to say?  How many times do you allow others to feel real?  This is a powerful lesson, not only for those of us that are parents, but for all human beings.  Everyone around us is real and deserves to be heard.  Take some time, get quiet and listen.  Maybe in doing this, we will become more real ourselves.

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Me, My Mat and My Sleeping Child

Recently, I had the opportunity to go on an Alaskan cruise with my husband Marc, my husband’s parents and our four-year-old son, Wolfi. The trip was planned as birthday surprise for my father-in-law who was turning seventy. As Opa lives in Germany and does not get to see his grandchildren often, Marc and I decided to take Wolfi on the trip, even though we knew that our own activities would be limited by having a young child along.

As it turned out, most of the responsibility for Wolfi fell on me. He could easily keep pace with us grown-ups during the day, but by five o’clock every evening, he was completely worn out. Instead of putting on my finery and dining leisurely in the ship’s nicer restaurants, I found myself hurriedly eating pizza in the cafeteria and then heading to our cabin to get my tired little boy into bed. While the rest of my family was on deck sipping wine, watching the glaciers drift past and enjoying the sun set, I was down in our cramped cabin brushing teeth, reading stories and tucking Wolfi in for the night.

Clearly this situation could have been a world-class opportunity to cultivate some serious resentment. Why do I have to sacrifice all the time? Why can’t the others take care of him? Why can’t he stay up longer like all the other kids on the boat and go to childcare while I have my nice dinner?

Through yoga, however, I was able to transform resentment into gratitude. Once Wolfi was asleep, I changed my clothes, pulled out my travel mat and did asana and mediation for an hour or more. Unlike during my practice at home, I had no time pressure. There were no pots waiting in the kitchen. No weeds in the garden. No laundry in the dryer. There was just me, my mat and my sleeping child. Sure it was cramped. Sure I didn’t like being too close to that negligibly clean cabin floor. And sure I wished I too could drink a glass of wine and enjoy the sun set. But through my yoga practice I was able to convert those hours of “babysitting” into a transformative time for myself.

I admit to feeling at times somewhat resentful of motherhood. The culture shock of going from the life of an independent young woman to a homebound mother has taken years for me to adjust to, and I am still occasionally awed by the fact that I cannot so much as go for a solitary walk around the block without enlisting a small army of helpers.

During this cruise, however, caring for my son actually helped me to win back time for myself. Through his needing to be in bed early, I was able to enjoy the kind of unhurried solitude that I almost never get to enjoy at home. Through my practice of yoga, I discovered that time for my child can also truly become time for myself.

 

Sabrina Broselow Moser

July 2011

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Family Yoga

mom & baby yoga

In our house, we started doing yoga with our kids a few nights a week.  We found that is actually provided one more ritual to get our kids ready to sleep.  Now our kids ask for yoga time and even Henry asked if Max (our teacher) would come do yoga with him and teach him some “hard stuff.”  Our children are three and six, but it is never to early to start.

If you aren’t sure how to begin family yoga time, here is what we have done:

• create a quiet space and place several yoga mats out
• we got our kids some yoga kids’ mats that have pictures of bugs in yoga poses- they copy the poses themselves
• get a few kids’ yoga books– “My Daddy Is a Pretzel”, “Peaceful Piggy Yoga” and “Babar’s Yoga for Elephants”
• some nights, we read the books and do the poses one each page
• other nights, we each take turns leading a pose and we go around the room twice then rest in savasana
• we always end with legs up the wall and we tell the kids that it will help them have good dreams

Practicing yoga as a family has helped us spend a few more minutes together really enjoying our time.  It helps us get in to bed feeling calmer and more connected.  It even has caused our son to say to us, “I think you’d better go do yoga.”  We aren’t perfect and we don’t expect our children to be, but we do hope to gain just a few more mindful moments as a family where we are content just being together.

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Love & Fear

Having dinner with a friend last night and she said, “People act either out of love or fear.”  She said she learned this at a Santana concert, but I have been thinking about it ever since.  If this is true, maybe we should watch our actions and discern whether we are acting out of love or fear in challenging moments.  I think of how I can have so much patience for other people’s children.  Then my own child starts crying or stomping and I am immediately frustrated.  Am I acting our of love or fear?  Usually, fear.  I think if I give in, I will create a spoiled / selfish / defiant  child.  I no longer see him as a child who might be afraid or need me to give him love.  I become fearful that I am a bad parent or he wouldn’t act this way.  I am not saying this is what sticks, but this is the initial reaction.  If I stop the cycle of thinking, I remember that compassion is often the key.  If I stop, take a breath, and speak with my child, we get to the heart of the problem.  It really wasn’t that his socks were all itchy or the tag in his shirt was bugging him, it is that there will be a fire drill at school and loud noises upset him.  This is just one example.  Taking the time to remove myself from the fearful state, I am able to open my heart and see my son for who he is behind the tears and whining.

For the rest of the week, watch your interactions with others.  Are they based on love or fear?  If they are based in fear, what can you do to change that?  How do people react to you in those moments?  If your actions are loving and kind, notice how it makes you feel and how it affects those around you.  If your actions are compassionate and loving, keep it up.  It is exactly what this world needs.

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Yoga of Parenting

Most of you know that I don’t have children and, chances are, I never will. So, what could I possibly have to say about parenting?

Well, I work with some fine folks who are parents; namely, the Delaneys, the Whites and the Noonans. I see, in so many ways, how they incorporate their yoga practice into raising a family. These kids are being brought up in uniquely supportive, encouraging and loving environments. I see mothers being patient and fathers making a sincere effort to be a true part of their children’s lives. These things are to be commended because I’ve seen many homes in which this is not the case. I, myself, didn’t have a good relationship with my father until about the last 4 years of his life. So, to see these fathers so clearly loving and adoring their children is very heartwarming. To witness mothers encouraging and supporting their children in the growth and evolution towards adulthood is a true joy. I can only speculate how great these kids are going to turn out and all the many ways in which they will enrich the world. Of course, any of the above-mentioned folks will be quick to point out that their children are not without moments of temper-tantrums, uncooperativeness and difficulty. That’s just part of being a kid. However, by and large, these kids seem to possess problem-solving and communication skills that I don’t see in others whose parents yell, ignore and don’t encourage.

I see how these “yogi-parents” incorporate their yoga practice into their parenting skills and it really does seem to make a big difference. Yoga’s ability to calm the mind, bring us into more presence and cultivate more compassion in our Hearts seems to filter into these families and its transforming effects are astounding to me. My guess is that children who are raised in such supportive environments – where parents solve family issues with patience, understanding, and the ability to listen to their children – will find less difficulty in life and will meet with greater success, materially and spiritually. This is because they will be armed with compassion and wisdom; creative, problem-solving skills and the knowledge that yelling, angry fits and ignoring issues doesn’t solve anything. Above all, these kids will know, without a doubt, that they have the support and unwavering love of their parents. With such family-force and life-skills behind them, they will excel and continue this cycle of peace with their own children. This is not only how we raise a child. This is how we raise an entire society.

To all the parent-yogis out there I say “Congratulations and thank you!” You’re helping to create better families and a better society by practicing yoga.

Metta,

C

 

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Reality and Yoga

One of our friends and yoga students sent me an email saying she loved our blogs but… she went on to share how she had planned so much with her children so they would have a great day together.  Everything seemed to go amiss and whining and arguing abounded.  My favorite part of her story was that she went downstairs, took a huge ujjayi breath and screamed at the top of her lungs.  After that, she enjoyed a few moments of silence before returning upstairs.

I love this story for its honesty.  I love this story because she was practicing Yoga.  She did not hurt her children with sarcasm, fists, or hateful words.  She simply left and released the energy she had held in all day.  I understand this as a mother of two small children myself.

Yoga can be harder to practice when we have children, but it is even more important.  My friend may not have realized that she was practicing Yoga that day, but she was.  Those of us with children have all been there- kids whining, fighting, bickering, craving more of you until you have nothing left.  So how does Yoga look on those days?

I think it takes many forms:

• appreciating the small moments of sweetness that appear
• being grateful for having healthy children
• making the choice to not abuse our children
• setting an example of how to stay in control when you think you are going to lose it
• speaking calmly when you really want to yell and be sarcastic right back
• knowing tomorrow will be better

Yoga is about leading us into reality and the present.  Leaving a situation, crying by yourself, returning to show loving kindness again and again- that is Yoga.

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Wife, Mother, Yogi

This is my first attempt at blogging from an experience in the summer of 2008.

Bags packed. Kids’ schedules written. Keys in hand. I am off with no kids, no husband, no phone. I am not sure what to expect of my first weekend away by myself. I am hopeful for some rejuvenation and down time.
I arrive at Kripalu with my nervous system still reacting. I am not sure if it is fear from flying or fear of leaving my two small children. I show up for my first yoga class struggling to be present. Max (my teacher) walks over to me and says, “You look like you’ve just spent hours in an airport.” I think to myself, “You don’t know half of the story.”

Class settled me down slightly; I am still worried about the kids. Should I call? What did I forget to tell my husband? Even though I am worried, I am excited about the prospect of a full night’s sleep uninterrupted. Instead I have a fitful sleep and awaken at 5:30am. (I am not a morning person, so this doesn’t make sense to me.) I have no excuse but to walk down the hall and take the 6am gentle yoga class before breakfast.
I walk in and find child’s pose, the only pose that feels right at six in the morning. The teacher asks us to rest and find our intention, then adds, “You may simply wish to commit to being here.” Commit to being here! That’s it! At home I long for solitude, time for yoga and meditations. Since I have gotten here, I long to be at home with my family. Commit to being here. So simple… So why is this so hard?

The weekend of classes on breathing, meditation and asana left me feeling whole and understanding my world in a completely different way. I feel more open, more mindful, forgiven and full of gratitude. Everything feels as it should be. I am ready to go home, committed to enjoying everything and letting go of my qualities that hold me back. I feel like a being of light. My movements have slowed down; my mind no longer races faster than I can keep up. I believe that this has been the next step on my journey awakening my spirit. My experience with these great teachers is beyond what can be conveyed with words. All I know is that I am fortunate to have received such powerful teachings.

Flying home, my normal fear is replaced by a sense of wonder and freedom. I return thinking how different I will seem. Everyone will see the transformation as I walk, eat or breathe in awareness. This lasts about an hour after my arrival home. I walk in to the best greeting in the world from my four year old and six month old. Moments later both are in tears and whining. I can’t get a word in edge-wise to share my experience with my husband. I am deflated, sad and a little raw. Somehow, I am worse the next day. Then it hits me: commit to being here. I let myself sit, raw and rough around the edges then my husband starts to laugh, “No wonder great teachers never had kids. They’d never get very far.”

help from Henry

Now I know the truly enlightened are the ones who have children, jobs, schedules, whining, crying and can commit to being here with love for it all. It is easy to resent the things that take time away from nurturing our spirits, but when will we see these things as gifts to open our hearts even more and challenge us to go beyond? Anyone can find peace on a yoga mat in a quiet room. I am beginning to see that true sages are the ones who find it among the struggles of day to day life. These are my teachers and I am committed to being here wife, mother, yogi, messy path and all. In the words of Pir Zia Inayat Khan, “My life is part of a greater purpose. There is an exactness to who I have become.”

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