Quiet Faith

I was raised Methodist and Lutheran and in High School decided I liked Catholic Church (and took communion in their church much to their chagrin).  Then I moved to LA and decided I was “spiritual”, but not religious.  (How many times have you heard that one? Or how many times have you said that one?)  I discovered Yoga, Hinduism Sufism and Buddhism.  Now where does that leave me?  I don’t belong to any particular branch of faith, but I do have a lot of Faith.

Last night I sat reading one of the last chapters of Huston Smith’s book The World’s Religions.  It was the chapter on Christianity.  Even though I was raised in the Christian faith, I really had no idea what it was that I was supposed to be or believe.  How many of us have studied our own faith in comparative religions in a historic format with no one trying to convince us of one set path?  The World’s Religions and An Altar in the World by Barbara Brown Taylor reminded me that Faith comes from within, it is nothing that can be put in to words and is only represented by our actions.  I can talk all day long about belief, faith and values, but if I act otherwise no one would ever listen.  Now I see Faith must be like this… you must know about much of the world and their faith, you must stand by and live your values and simply be present with your own heart and trust that the path will come before you when you are ready.  No need to share your words with others, no need to convince anyone of anything.  If you are seeking to understand your own Faith, I highly recommend both of these books and find out what Faith means to you, personally.

No matter what my Faith or yours, I think we can all agree with this piece of Hinduism from Huston Smith:

That Hinduism has shared her land for centuries with Jains, Buddhists, Parsees, Muslims, Sikhs, and Christians may help explain a final idea that comes out more clearly through her than through the other great religions; namely her conviction that the various major religions are alternate paths to the same goal…Normally, people will follow the path that rises from the plains of their own civilization; those who circle the mountain, trying to bring others around to their paths, are not climbing… It is possible to climb life’s mountain from any side, but when the top is reached the trails converge.

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Leap of Faith

I have decided to take a leap of faith.  While this sounds so simple, it has taught me how much I have to learn.

I recently made a decision that will impact my family in a big way.  I have decided to quit teaching elementary school after 10 years.  I love teaching, but the past two years have been a struggle.  This year I found myself depressed and crying most of the time.  I am a pretty content person for the most part, so this was shocking to me.  Every morning I practice yoga.  For the past year, every morning I HAD to practice yoga.  I would get on my mat and dedicate my practice to finding my life’s purpose, something that would make me happy.  Nothing new arrived.  I signed my contract as usual and decided to commit myself to being the best teacher I could next year.  Then, one day a parent stopped and asked me if I could tutor their child this summer.  The next day before yoga class, another parent asked if I would tutor her daughter over the summer.  I sat in meditation that night as my yoga class was in savasana (resting pose) and I knew this was it.

I decided to speak to the head of our tutoring program the next day.  I asked if she would consider me for any openings she had.  Guess what?  One of the main tutors was leaving and she was hoping the right person would come along.  But I needed a training to work with students with Dyslexia.  She called and there was one space left.  It was mine and happened to be the only two weeks I am consecutively in town this summer.  I spoke with my boss the next day and she said she knew I needed to be happy.

Positively, I will be home more and can be more involved in our yoga school and in our children’s lives.  Negatively, I will lose the predictable salary that our family has grown accustomed to over the last 10 years.  While I know in my heart, this is the right thing to do it hasn’t kept my fear at bay.  Everything fell into place so quickly that it must be right.  But, as I laid in bed the evening of my big leap, I tossed, turned, couldn’t breathe and felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin.  I got out of bed and sat on the couch and realized I had no faith.  All I felt was fear and doubt.  So how do you change from one mindset to the other?

Once I realized that I had no faith, I sat and thought about what faith means and how to attain it.  Faith is blind.  There is nothing tangible for you to hold on to, for you to believe.  You simply have to make the choice to know there is something greater at work here.  I simply needed to change my mind.  I needed to stop, breathe and trust.  So I did just that… I stopped the drunk, monkey mind.  I sat and breathed ujjayi as if I were in the middle of yoga class.  I reminded myself that faith is what I needed.  Good old-fashioned blind-faith.  It was time to make this leap with all the courage and trust that I could find.  I fell asleep shortly after.  This morning I woke up to my friend Beth’s sweet email, these are the same words we use to teach handstand, “Take a deep breath in, half way through the exhale— go for it!”

I am not saying the future won’t be difficult.  It will be different.  But I hope to remember to have the faith to take this leap so I can be more of a mother to my children, a wife to my husband, and more involved in our yoga school.  The places that make my heart happy.  I can still work with and change the lives of children, but it may look a little different now.  Instead of working with 18 children at a time, I will work with one at a time.  This leap has shown me how much fear I still have to overcome and how faith is blind, but we need it to get us through.  I am taking a deep breath in and going for it!

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